Jealousy

Only now am I getting the slightest glance at what I used to mess with. The gossip is too much. I'm afraid of ruining everything... or having it ruined by someone just like how I used to be. I can't believe I used to toy with people's happiness like this. So far so good, but I know how this would turn out if I was the one in the other shoes. Give me hope that there are better people in this world that do value my happiness. They say they do, but I never really did.

Just NO

I am so afraid of becoming a leech. You may not be the best role model, but I just want to be around you. The smallest attention you pay me makes me weak and even the slightest glance makes me feel privileged. I fear bothering you so much that I will avoid conversations until we part because I do not want to ruin anything. Yet I am constantly watching you and seeing what you do. I just want you to think that I am cool too, but I could never be like you. I want to know everything there is about you, but I am not sure I am portraying myself properly to you. I wonder what kind of satisfaction I will get out of your company, but I believe you have all the answers. After all, you know everything worth knowing. You're the big sister I never had, but I still tiptoe in your presence so as not to disturb you.

Hide Behind These Bangs

These are not good times we live in. I asked politely for help and things got worse. I don't understand how this world works. There is nothing I wish for more than the ability to fix everything. I think that that is what is upsetting me the most - my childish uselessness.

Nobody is sleeping well here. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night and my mother came into my room to make sure everything was okay. I don't even know how she heard me. Even though in daylight people are acting normal, I guess it's true that the dark shows you how people really are.

This topic hasn't seriously come up in a while. I don't know how to deal. I think I need to get some air... but there doesn't seem to be enough to satisfy me, even on the windiest of days. It doesn't even seem to matter how fast I drive... this is inescapable.

I'm so lost. I don't know what to do. I don't think there is anything I can do though. I guess there never really is anyways. I wish there was somebody to help me... but where to I search when the adults are in way over their heads?

Take Me Anywhere But Here.

Things have gone from bad to worse... and nobody is dealing very well. It's times like these that make you band together or fall apart. We aren't banding. In fact, I feel like the child that you want to keep secrets from. Oh wait - I am. I'm always the last to know. Everyone has known for a while. I'm not surprised. It's just that people should share the news as soon as they get it. I'm just trying to front such a good face. I must thread carefully... any sudden moves would be disastrous. She is hoping for a miracle... I just want to get through this. I've already seen glimpses... it's not pretty. I must say, there are some really brave faces here. But I know anyone with a heart is headed towards shambles. Dear God, please help my family.

Get Me Out

It's not that I'm a loner by nature... but the best times I've had so far this summer have been when I have the house to myself. I don't mind having to go to work all the time... not only do I see the benefits of having a job (money + experience), but it gets me away from my parents. I'm not even sure my brother is an ally right now because he doesn't seem to understand what it is like not having people watching you and checking up on your every move. When I wake up to go to work at insane hours of the morning, I know my mother is awake listening to my every move in the house. Sometimes she will even come down and watch me get ready for work to make sure I am doing it right. Then there is my father, who can't seem to deal with me and who for the past few days had made it super hard (impossible in fact for me to do it without breaking down) for me to get in and out of my house. He just seems so inconsiderate. I'm know my parents aren't ganging up on me, and this is how it has been my whole life (minus the fact that the garage door is broken right now) but lately as I have discovered what freedom is like, I cannot seem to be able to deal.

Impact of Words

You may see yourself one way, but the world's perspective is rather different. You can't go about changing that in one night, but something you say, whether intentional or a slip of tongue, can cause drastic changes. Today somebody told me something that I hadn't expected. I never would have seen them in that light, and I wish I had never known this because it may change things for the worse. It hasn't really affected how I see this person on the whole, but it made me more sensitive to a certain things while in their presence. I'm sure they didn't want it to change anything, but they decided to say it and now will have to live with the consequences. After what they told me about themselves, I was tempted to reveal a little about myself. But then I sat there and thought about it for a while and realized it really wasn't how I wanted them to perceive me. Sometimes I hate the image I convey, but other times I am so greatful for it because I wouldn't want anyone to worry about me.

It hurts

If someone could figure out why girls will randomly cry uncontrollably, they would make a lot of money. Personally I'm not a crier, but I can't explain why a tear will fall every once in a while. What I don't understand is why one might have fallen tonight rather than last week when I was pretty depressed. That's what one gets for crashing the best thing they have in this world. I say best thing because no other object has ever given me as much freedom and independence. I can't believe I did that. It's so not me! Responsible people don't cause thousands of dollars of damage. Even still reliving that particular moment brings me back to my gloomy thoughts from last week. I want to just forget, but that has never been my forte. FU*K! F*CK!
Just to let you know, dyeing your hair doesn't change you or what you did... nothing can prevent you from having to deal with your demons. Not that I thought that it would, I just wondered about fresh starts. Those don't exist.

how could i forget?

Today is your *blank*. I wish you the very best. It's been a while, and yet your name still perks up my ears. Did you know I still think of you sometimes... even though I say that it's all in the past? If you wanted to know, I no longer care. I have learned you are not as special as you seemed back then.

You think you know me?

What does it mean to know a person? I have had a few people tell me that they know me, but in fact they were probably some of the last people to know anything about me. The select people who know anything about me would probably never make such a bold (and idiotic) statement. I know I would never tell anybody that I know them. To me that is kind of insulting to hear. It means they think that I am everything I portrait on the outside. I especially hate those who say that they know me because they read my blog. It's censored guys! I'm not about to reveal anything actually personal here. Sure it's possible to get a slight concept of my life, but you cannot know a person just by reading about their day! Half the time I don't even write about the meaningful events, only the lame ones that I don't care if anyone knows.

It just gets me so mad when I hear someone tell me that they know me. I just want to yell at them that they don't know a fuking thing about me! Cuz if they did then they wouldn't have said it! I wonder if they realize that I don't live my life exactly like they see me every day. Acting a certain way one day doesn't mean that I always act like that. Honestly, don't you believe that knowing a person involves knowing their history and why they act a certain way? Maybe if I knew that about myself then I could be so bold as to say that I know me.

the grete not by choice

Last time was better because I never knew. You made the decision for me. I got mad… but I wasn’t really that angry. This time you are asking for a bigger favour. You chose to ask me… but it’s not like you gave me a choice. I didn’t want to help you, and you knew I would probably not have. I just wish you hadn’t come to me begging like that. It’s like I have all the power, wow, I’m Kafka’s Grete. ha ha. I still can’t believe this. I thought better of you. I also hate who did this to you. I always knew there was something less than saintly about them, but this was unexpected.

It’s odd that yesterday was just a child, and now you think of me as an equal. I wish you could take my innocence back. I wish I never knew how messed up things can get… mostly I wish you hadn’t been the one to tell me. You are the worst for that! I dislike you and as years pass things seem to get worse… which pleases me after what you just did!!!